2018 started well, I was full of life and looking forward to what this year would bring. I was expecting such a powerful life lesson experience…
Jumping out of the shower and singing to the dogs was how I was starting my days. I was content, and things felt in the flow. We were 19 days into the New Year, and things were certainly going my way. I had new clients and my plans for the coming year were being sorted.
I reached the bedroom and leaned over to move a bag of clothes and heard three loud cracks. Feeling a searing pain rip through my chest, I stared at the ceiling and asked. ‘what the fuck do you want with me now?’
What followed was hot tears, hadn’t I been through enough? I screamed at the same empty ceiling. Why would I expect anyone to be there? It was just a white ceiling devoid of emotion or reason.
To cut a very long story short my spine had fractured and for some freaky reasons. I spent most of the year in agony and extremely exhausted. However, bit by bit I discovered the root cause and put myself back together.
As the year came to an end I reflected that although this had been a tough year, I’d learned a lot and I was still smiling. This in comparison to some people I have spoken to who hated 2018 and enter the new year not feeling great, is a big win.
In 2017 my dog pulled me over in what was a silly accident. It could have been avoided, but for some strange reason, I had wound her lead around my wrist. I was at the door opening it after a long walk, she spotted a cat and charged after it. In all of the years of her living with me, she had never done this. I equally have never flown without a plane.
I sustained a rib injury, followed by another which meant that 2017 was also fairly painful. I worked at healing that. I now know that the shingles attacks that arrived because of the trauma to the ribs are what raised prolactin, which lowered dopamine, serotonin and estrogen. No estrogen means bad news for your bones.
They call osteoporosis the silent dis-ease and it certainly crept up on me. I was stopped.
What I hadn’t banked on was the pain and changes to my body. Never in my life have I endured so much pain and for so long. Slowly I straightened my body as best I can and sorted out all kinds of other stuff.
When you are a work-a-holic as I have been and don’t heed the messages, it can come as quite a surprise to be completely halted in your tracks.
After the first four days of being in a stupor, I decided to breathe through the pain and write. I found a brand new journal and I wrote endlessly. My journal became my bible. It was full of research, observations, how I felt and how I thought I would heal.
Asking for help comes in many forms. From lying on the concrete almost passing out and calling for help (2017), to asking someone to clean, do your shopping, bring in the wood to asking your divine inner wisdom and asking your Universe or God to show you what you need to see. Stop struggling and ask was a biggie. People love to help. I love to help. So opening my mouth and asking was a great thing to do for me.
I love having treatments, massages, energy healing, reflexology, Bowen, acupuncture and the list goes on. I feel like a junkie because I get a high from being pampered. The results from treatments aren’t always lovely immediately, however, the net effect is usually good.
Over this year with the pain, I worked with one specialist osteopath. He was incredibly gentle and has helped me to straighten my spine and ease my pain. As a nutritionist, I have also been able to discuss my nutritional needs with him.
In addition, I worked with a naturopathic nutritionist. I am trained as one too, but I really needed her wise counsel. Another friend bombed across the mountain on her quad bike to deliver reflexology which was divine.
My doctor was incredible. He listened to my theories, noted my desires, was the voice of reason, ordered tests, read books I took in, but most importantly he believed I could heal myself. Unlike the specialist doctor I saw.
I have worried about all kinds of things. Then I learned to breathe. When you allow panic to invade your body, it changes everything. When you learn to breathe into it and let go, things get much easier. When I feel that awful rise up through my body, I have two strategies; one is to walk, and two is to write. Walking clears the mind and you can travel through many stories until you get to the oh what the hell story. Then when you write, you can declutter the last remnants and make space for inner peace. What I notice now is that when I feel that familiar creep of panic my ribs hurt. It is a big reminder to breathe.
You do not have to go to the extremes that I have done and studied to become a nutritional healer – again. Over the last 27 years, I have studied many nutrition courses from very scientific ones in the early days to more natural ones as the years have progressed.
Diet affects all aspects of your life. If you are not properly hydrated you are unable to think straight, nor will your body function properly. Water is such an important part of being human and we neglect it like it’s poison. Eating your diet and not one manufactured for the masses is vital. Certain foods are poison for certain people. My diet is gluten, nightshade, and a few other things free. The aim for me is to create a diet that gives me loads of energy, the fuel to repair itself, strengthens the bones, ensures that I am pain-free, hydrated, can eliminate waste efficiently and nourishes my mind, body, soul and spirit. my diet and the way that I eat is brilliant – for me.
If things aren’t working in your life and your body is crying out for some attention, please change your diet, it will change your life.
Writing has played a huge part in my life and personal growth. From journaling to writing books. When I log in with my inner muse as I have over many years, the downloads I get are incredible. My life has changed in many ways because of writing.
Journaling is something I recommend for all clients. Many feel that they cannot do it, but when they do directed journaling, in conjunction with listening to the muse the results are amazing. Your pen is connected to your unconscious mind, and it will tell you what you need to know.
When I write books, I get disheartened, just as you do, but when I read back what I have written after reflection, I am delighted. Clients books teach me so much and as they write they learn too.
The power of the pen is in the beautiful connection is has to your soul, your inner muse. Get connected to your inner muse she (or he) is indeed very wise.
Many of you reading this already know that you have all of the resources inside of you that you will ever need. The problem is that we often switch off the inner wisdom listening. The noise of the outside world confuses and overwhelms us, and so the voice is rarely heard. Then when it speaks we do not trust it.
Over this year, like no other time, I have tapped in and wow what a lot I know. You do too. I have learned that the voices in my head are there to guide me. The feelings in my gut are my intuition telling me that something is either right or not so right. Now I listen to them. In fact, I listen to all of the signals I receive.
This is isn’t about being rude, it is ‘just get rid of the toxic people‘ who take up your space. You are a beautiful soul, and you deserve to be with people who nourish you and not destroy you. This is a great article from Kathy Parker called I no longer need you.
Invest in something that enriches your life. You might feel fearful that money is going out and at the moment nothing is coming in. That is fear talking. You have to invest in yourself if you expect others to invest in you. Of course, it doesn’t need to be cash it could be some other resource.
I used to hate supplements, now I supplement wisely. I’ve read over 30 books across a vast range of subjects for this healing journey. My time has been invested in learning how to heal. When I have needed treatments, I’ve gone for them. I have left no stone unturned in healing myself.
Then as I started to feel better and my energy came back, I invested in things for my business and I feel like a normal life of sorts has resumed.
Not long after I started to journal I decided that I would write a book about healing osteoporosis. It would be my story and what I did and offer suggestions to others about how to cope, find their root cause and design a unique healing plan. This kept me focused and while I didn’t know all of the answers because I was living it as I wrote, it was an incredible experience.
As bizarre as it seems. I am grateful for a shit year. I learned more about me, I cleared some debris and while all is not 100% I discovered I am a resourceful, resilient, woman of courage.
There are many more life lessons that have come to me over this last year, and I may be inspired to write some more, but for now, that’s it.
What did 2018 teach you?
When you read this and wonder how you can move forward, my best advice would be to journal alongside whatever else is going on or you do. Please join me on 101 days of being me journaling adventure.
Are you a conscious woman who is choosing to wake up or were you forced awake and becoming aware? It matters not which it is, what is important is that you now make waking up, being aware and alive.
As more and more women are being woken up, they are realising that there is more to life than what was and that they have a story to share. It is rarely an easy story to tell. Many times they wonder if they should, who would listen, what might happen if they do. It can be a confusing time.
I know, I’ve been there. Had the crappy life. Been hurt, wounded, shredded, mistreated and dismissed as if I were nothing. However, what I know is that these are a part of the human contract. Acts in a play or chapters in the book of my life. They are kernels of magic, and they hold the keys to the story I have come to tell. The story that helps me to heal, grow, transform, expand and fly high. Not only that my story is here to let you know that you can do it too.
Our stories help us to heal, they help others to expand and they help the world. Together we can do so much more for our world.
When a conscious woman wakes up, she chooses to ignite the fire in her heart and soul, to tackle (perceived) flaws, wounds, and pain. In choosing to expand your consciousness, you choose growth and over stagnation. You choose to thrive. You choose love, life, and laughter. You choose. And you want to inspire others to be.
Many people, like me, have lived torturous lives. Slipping in and out of pockets of insanity interspersed with love, peace, and harmony. Others have lived the high-speed race, shooting in and out of a variety of adventures. Others have travelled at a nice steady speed. It all feels well paced, doing all the right things and yet feeling as if there is something missing. Asking ‘is this it?’
Experiences shape us. End of. What we do with these experiences from this moment on is a different matter. As you stand there you are the shape of your soul, spirit, body and mind thus far. But inside every cell, and in every part of your being are the magical ingredients to pull that shape by the short and curlies and breathe your essence which is hiding in the corners back into you.
If I had my time again would I have wanted my horrible lessons or experiences? Er, let me think a minute… No! However, I am the person I am today because of what I have been through and the actions I chose to take.
Have I been an angel? No. Have I been aware and conscious of what I have done in those moments of madness? No. I didn’t ask to be used and abused and emotional tortured – did I?
I believe that everything is a choice. Even when the child’s mind is not fully formed, and she makes innocent choices that means that ugly people can abuse her – it a choice. I know I was that child – sexually abused and groomed. I was that adult who abused herself and made poor relationship choices. The net result was more choices and a whole heap of trouble. And it’s been fucking hard. Hard, hard, hard.
It’s not all been hard or bad. Not everything in my relationships was wrong. Like you, it’s been a bit up and down.
In becoming a conscious woman, I have learned to accept the choices and decisions as part of my journey back to the beautiful soul I have always been. Vulnerability is normal. What will get you through the hard, not so hard, weird and wonderful times is a glorious reconnection to you, your faith, trust, surrender, acceptance, and self-love. I know you can do this.
You will receive your gifts. There are always diamonds in the rough. Life is beautiful. You have a story; you have learning, power, knowledge, skills, experience, humility, grace, and love. You can help yourself to see that this story is your story. But more than that, your words have the power to transform others so that together we can do something in our small way for humanity.
What does it mean to wake up, or be woken up or shaken alive? It will mean something different to all of us, of course, it will. For, me it is about waking up to what my story was trying to tell me so that I can move on and inspire others. It’s taken all this time, to make me understand, and there are others out there that feel the same way. They too are hearing the call that it’s time to wake up and change things.
It may seem that we don’t listen until it’s too late. You know you get stopped by some drama, happening, weird illness or physical pain. Man does that stop you. After all of my emotional turmoil, I had a series of accidents and ended up in so much physical pain. I was left sitting on my sofa looking at where I thought heaven was and saying ‘you’re having a larf ain’t you?’.
No laugh, no joke. Stopped. Woken up.
‘Ha take that bitch – you will listen and you will wake up, and you will do your work. Now off you go like a good girl and find your tribe, you’ll know who they are.’
When eventually you listen, there will be no turning back. It does I promise get easier. I am so blessed to have found beautiful souls – other conscious women – to create something with.
As we learn to tap into our divine inner wisdom, the messages flow thick and fast, you learn to trust them, and it gets easier to be.
As connect inwards you will discover hindsight, insight, and foresight. What a heady combination of ‘sight’ all granted to provide you with answers to guide you through this adventure called life. It is with these sights that you will be able to unlock your personal stories so that you can make sense of things and make meaning.
You have to look backwards, not to dwell in or on your crappy lives, but to gain wisdom or hindsight that provides flashes of insight to where we now find ourselves and what we might do next.
The key is to stop, listen and learn ( a bit like the Green Cross Code), from the past, present and future because they are all, in reality, now. The choices we make today affect all of our tomorrows. The choices of yesterday do the same. Everything collides beautifully into the book of your lives because you have lived many times.
There is an abundant flow of endless words which come to guide us. These words are carried deep inside our souls. Imagine parchments rolled up and stuffed into the corners of our soul cave. Pull up a chair baby, light a candle, grab a cuppa, pick up the secret key that is about to unlock the clasp of your you journal and discover what was, is and will be stories of your waking up.
My questions to you are:-
Every part of your being wants you to wake up and to be heard. Life can be a cruel teacher or a wise counsellor. It’s your choice to become curious, conscious and learn to fly or stay asleep and locked in your cage. Which is it to be?
Conscious Women have great strength and personal power. You are perceptive, have a deep well of in-tuition, divine inner wisdom and understands the power of love. You know that you have to forgive and love yourself first. In love and forgiveness, you will find your light. You are excited by change, adventure and feels called to heal and grow. You know when the time to heal and put your stories behind you and when to use them for good.
You can taste the excitement of change, adventure. You hear the call to heal and grow on the whispering wind. You get that the time to heal and put the old stories behind you is now. This is an opportunity for expansion and transformation. You may also through this process and discover your voice and be invited to share your inspirational message so that you can shine that light for other women (and men).
Your stories can either own you, or you can own them.
One thing is certain in this process that brought you to this point; you will have found your voice and an inspirational message to share so that you can shine a light for others.
Ok, so you are feeling shaky. Who’s going to want to hear your story? Who cares? Hasn’t it already been told?
No, a thousand times no. Let me tell you I’m terrified of sharing the story of my last few years. I am being pulled by some kind of invisible thread, and I am compelled like the moth to fly into the light. Come on, join me, we can do this together.
Does anyone want to hear your story? I believe yes.
You are perfect; you were born perfectly unique; there is only one YOU blueprint. There is no one like you. You may think that you are like others, possibly sharing similar beliefs and values. We are all as different as our fingerprints, yet consciously connected to everyone and everything in the Universe.
And you are a work in progress, who from a rock solid foundation of core values will change the world, her world and then send ripples out to the rest of the world.
Don’t live by rules or conventions. Empower yourself and show others an authentic, loving, peaceful and harmonious way of living. People will be drawn to you as they seek to find their way in the world and to discover their light. When they find you, they will find a woman who is content and at peace with herself because she has written and shared her story.
As a conscious woman, you are an alchemist, EVE-olutionist. You have spirit, eternal consciousness and you listen to your inner voice – your divine inner wisdom. Conscious women go through shit so that they know how to build a rock-solid foundation within herself first and with this becomes a teacher and inspiration to others. Writing a book is inspirational.
Conscious = awake, aware and alive. What will you choose? What are you choosing? Are you leaving your stories behind? Are you ready to EVE-olve? What would happen if you didn’t change your story? How ready are you to write a book that will change your life and that of others?
Conscious women are waking up everywhere, coming out of hibernation, writing books, sharing their message and starting EVE-olutions. This is our time.
My book Rude Awakenings – A journey to self-love is the book that I am scared to share. I feel vulnerable. As a strong conscious woman, it is hard to break down the walls I use to protect myself and allow you to see inside my soul. But I am doing it and you can too. I teach others how to write and share, isn’t it time I did they same eh?
There are far braver people than me. I do not live in a war-torn country; I have food and clean water, I have no life threatening illnesses to contend with (the overactive thyroid is controlled with diet). I am blessed. However, I am told that I have courage. We never see traits like this in us, do we?
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. We must do what we think we cannot to.” Eleanor Roosevelt
All I did was leave someone who was leading a double life. Yes, I left everything behind, moved to a new country and had to find new friends, a new way to run my business and a new way of living. Yes, there have been challenges – that’s a bit of an understatement, to be honest. However, I was lucky, the Universe, I believe had laid out the pathway to here, long before. She created the conditions for relationships to end, enabling a house purchase, discoveries to be made and for me to find my way here. It was all I think pre-ordained. No bravery in pre-destiny. Life may have felt tough at times. There have been many times that I have needed to be strong. There have been many occasions where my confidence and courage have been shaken. In every challenge, without a doubt, that courage and confidence have grown. So that when I needed to leave, although I couldn’t know the outcome, I could take confident steps towards a new future.
I have such deep gratitude for what I have experienced and learned. Being thankful has created conditions that have allowed my courage and confidence to grow. Being surrounded by beautiful souls feeds these. My journey has brought me to a place where the right environment has been created for me to thrive.
Over this last three years, I needed more courage, needed to dig deep. I had to use courage to create change. Little did I know that I would need the courage to enable me to adapt and grow and as a way to prepare for the uncertainty that came (and was to come) my way. You can never be sure of any outcomes, but you can build courage and confidence to ensure that you can take appropriate action towards what you do want.
Discovering your connection to your divine inner wisdom, connecting to your purpose, and changing your life is breathtaking. It is probably one of the biggest undertakings of your life because quietly you have been doing it all of your life – you just didn’t realise it.
From the moment you were born, when no one told you that you couldn’t, you just got out there and rocked. Naturally, you were influenced by the people around you. Some of which, despite being well-intentioned doing more harm than good.
If you wanted to wear pink trainers with an orange frock, you did. If you drew a picture, you would run around showing everyone, the same with your stories. So what happened?
Life gets in the way of confidence, and it’s as if people can smell that confidence or lack of it when they meet you. Look at dogs, they greet each other warily and do a lot of sniffing. Either one or both of their tails go up, and then they decide who the top dog is. It is almost instantaneous. You can learn a lot of watching animals. My Ferdy dog struts his stuff, rushes up to everyone for a tickle; he is uber confident that everyone will love him. What’s not to love, he is beautiful and fairly well mannered.
Sadly we lose our connection to our energy source which keeps the flame of confidence and courage burning, somewhere along the way, for all kinds of reasons and that is ok, it is just part of our journey. At some point, though you need to fight the fear, change your mindset and take control of how you want to be perceived and unlock your heart and the gates to heaven. In fact, take the word fear out of the equation and embrace the funny feeling in your tummy and heart. The other side of fear is excitement; you must be feeling that. Feels better, doesn’t it?
Courage is keeping going come what may (while staying out of danger, remaining authentic and ecological), and confidence is not giving in to the fear, rather embracing excitement.
What is it? What does it mean to you? To me, it is simply the ability to embrace whatever life throws at me, with confidence. It’s working with my inner knowing, listening to my intuition and guides and sometimes taking small steps and sometimes big leaps, in the knowledge that I will be caught and I will be held on the way.
Courage comes in many sizes and shapes, from confronting Harry,the spider to making a sacrifice to gain something important. Sacrifice in the sense that you are surrendering the old you, enveloping yourself in your excitement, so that the new you can wake up, become aware and be alive – truly alive.
Courageous people have a certain power and control over their destinies, even when they don’t know what is around the corner (how can they?). They know that because their values support the foundations of who they are and they have a healthy mindset (even if it waivers) anything is possible.
Courageous people know in their hearts that there is a deeper purpose for the way that their lives have unfolded.
They have faith. They have love. They are love. They share their inner beauty with the world because they believe that many hearts can make a big difference. Through their very being, they demonstrate courage, love and light.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela
What does courage mean to you? Identify when you last showed courage – did you embrace it or brush it off? Think of three people, any three who you believe are courageous, why are they? What you see in them is a reflection of your courage.
Take time today to acknowledge that you have courage. I was confronted with this today, as I started my #1day12vids challenge for www.dayofcourage.com.
I have been taking big breaths and doing the challenge and knowing that while, as I said when I started this blog, that I do not live in a war torn country, I have displayed courage and it’s important to acknowledge and hold it in my heart. Over to you.
What does creating balance mean to you? How do you balance the shadow and light in your life?
I see balance as a range of things equally distributed. If we were to imagine a tightrope walker. We have the tightrope walker, the rope, balancing pole and the focus.
In other words, you, the goal or outcome, the balance we are striving for and the factors that go to shape our journey. All factors become inputs into delivering the result – namely our outcomes, in this instance, creating balance. Balance is created from the relationship that is struck between all of these things. It is about when and where to put your attention. Which part of the balancing act needs your attention and which is the priority at any given time. Creating balance requires constant feedback from all of its factors, where communication, perspective and being in tune with conditions around them are essential.
When I look back over my life I see many shadows, but in the shadows I see light.
Wake up calls come in many guises and it is my belief that waking up is your moment to step out of the shadows and into the light so that you can shine your light and help others to do the same. Your wake up call is your call to lead with conscious love, from a place of balance.
The shadows can teach you a lot about self-love which is a wonderful foundation to live your life from.
In life, we have both shadow and light. There are never just shadows and never just light. We can, however, make the choice about where we focus our attention. For me, shadows and light reflect the stories of our lives.
In uncovering our shadow stories, it is important to understand that what presents is what needs to be dealt with on the way to deeper self understanding and the root cause of disharmony.
Consider for a moment what your shadow story right at this moment might be. What we must do is trust that what steps out of the shadows now is the current priority and that there will be a gift. Remember that your crappy life and how it has shaped you are in fact your gifts. Gifts that once you unlock the meaning in them, will provide you with wonderful personal insight.
Light is an energy, and we usually think of it in terms of visible light, rather than the invisible light inside of us. Our light always shines brightly it’s just that sometimes dark sludgy shadows get in the way of our ability to see it.
The pathway to your light through your colourful shadow story will create love, truth, happiness (contentment), balance and harmony. You will vibrate at a higher frequency. Becoming aware of your light, like your shadow is another gift.
While I might be tempted to tell you what I think of my year, I find myself bored with my stories, instead, I want to tell you that I have arrived at a place where I see gifts in each story and each shadow. There may be times that make us feel like we are living in shadows, but I have come to see they are places to rest. – to regain balance and perspective.
Let me explain. In the heat of the summer when I am out walking my doggies, even in the late evening I find myself jumping in the shadows to cool down and rest a while. Standing in the cool gives me a chance to stop marching ahead and consider what is around me. Conversely, in the winter, there are no shadows for me, I’m looking for the sun to heat me up. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Back to our tightrope walker, who if they do not communicate, maintain a perspective, have their senses finely tuned (think wind and temperature and rope tension) and create an agreement with all parts of the equation, how would he or she keep their balance and reach their destination? Those key skills and the relationship between all aspects are what keeps the balance and enable our tightrope walker to reach their goal – the other side. It is, I am sure you will agree, a delicately calibrated dynamic process.
We, you and me are the pivot point in the creating balance equation. We are a pivot because we make decisions, define the strategy and set the direction on the allocation of our energy and resources. We have the responsibility to consider all aspects of our lives. We need a holistic approach when considering how to strike balances between all of the competing things in our busy lives. Not to mention, love and laughter… Creating balance is an imperative, and remember too much of a good thing is a bad thing – most people will die if they breathe 100% oxygen!
A balanced approach to life and personal development acknowledges every person and their lives are different and we are all at different places in our lifecycle, therefore, different approaches to creating balance are necessary. As is keeping a healthy perspective of what is happening for you.
When the shadows feel too much I know it’s time for a time out. What works for me is to have a mental check in. I could sit down and write up a life balance sheet, but, I intuitively know where and when I am out of whack. This is when I take time out, write, walk and reflect.
When we make the choice to create balance, between our shadow and light, our next step is considering what the shadow story means to us and then how we plan our journey forward.
Create balance, explore shadow and light, see the gifts in the shadows, create the plan and do the work. If the plan is not in place, and action taken, creating balance will never be achieved.
Creating balance in my life is important, more important than it has ever been. My outlook on life has changed radically in the last few years and balance means that I get to do what I love, have to do and have time for me. The days of being a workaholic are over. Work becomes meaningless when you are striving and not expanding.
Much better to focus on a few things that woven mindfully together create inner peace and contentment. I’m learning more about faith and trust and balancing these against fear. Weighing up the options, it seems to me that the rushing to be somebody or something is not where success lies, rather being and flowing bring expansion and transformation. I feel as if I have been there and got the T-shirt and it no longer fits. What fits is the lifestyle I have created which feeds my soul.
More importantly in my journey to self-love, I can now answer easily – do I love myself enough to…
When I am balanced and at peace, I can better serve the world. The value I bring is from years of experience and being connected to my divine inner wisdom. Never has my intuition and insight been so great and I love the gentleness that I have. The wild child is still there, but now she plays and laughs rather than cries and causes a ruckus. My EVE-olution will never be complete, however, being in balance and harmony with who I am and what I can bring feels good.
Back to my questions. What does creating balance mean to you? How do you balance the shadow and light in your life?
Are you on a journey to self-love and would like a sounding board, someone to help you create more balance in your life? Get in touch and let’s explore.
When you can forgive others you will find a way to forgive yourself and then personal contentment will find you
Forgive means to let go. It doesn’t mean to forget or to condone the actions of others or yourself. It is a powerful opportunity to declutter your shit and let go of the past. It means that you can open a space to the beautiful soul that you resides within you. In the shadow of unforgiveness lies fear, guilt and shame. In the light is inner peace and contentment.
Walking in the rambla with my dogs is the perfect place to meditate. Only yesterday I felt low, rock bottom low. Surround by beauty, I ask myself so what’s the problem? My friends love me for my generosity of spirit and of course, my mum adores her little girl. Something was troubling me and there was only one person to chew this over with – my mum.
Years ago I sat with her on the beach surrounded by families chatting, playing games and performing other normal family beach activities. That day I needed to tell her something that I knew would drive a knife into her heart. This was the moment when I would pluck up the courage to tell my mum about not only the babysitter who had sexually abused me but also the couple who had groomed me.
She sat amidst the noise without a change in her expression. Almost as if I’d said ‘hey mum what’s the time?’ The lioness was processing the information. Her heart felt as if it had been ripped from her chest. Yet her love for me held her together.
Over the years we have talked about many things, openness and love give us strength. We are not mother and daughter but soul sisters journeying Mother Earth.
We chatted and she said you know I think that although you feel that you have dealt with the past and you have intellectually rationalised it, you are holding onto it and that’s why you are in such pain still.
The truth is I didn’t need to be told this, I had felt it in my heart for some time, but couldn’t and wouldn’t acknowledge it. Only because I had rationalised it already and therefore it was dealt with – wasn’t it?
I felt the old I am strong I don’t need help I can fight this Jacqui rise up to defend herself. Instead, I met a gentle open soul who said yes mum it’s time to let go. Although in that moment I did not know how.
Later that evening I started a new journal for this fresh start and asked the question what would it mean to forgive others and myself so that I felt more content?
Forgiveness means to let go. FOR GIVE NESS. TO LET GO.
I live my life by a four point plan
When I stay focused on these, I can always find a way to resolve my stuff.
What will I get when you forgive others for what they have done and this includes what you perceive that they have done? It’s not only others but you must find it in your heart to forgive yourself for how you feel about what has happened to you. You must also look at where you have wronged others and seek forgiveness for those acts. For the moment we are looking at forgiving others.
I find the five-word mini mind map helps me with this. First I start with forgive in the middle and write five words about what that means to me. E.g. forget, pardon, ignore, neglect, overlook. And then I add a new branch and ask what will I get? E.g. power (personal), courage, space, peace, pain-free, contentment. After which I can explore what this means to me in my journal.
This can include perpetrators of ‘crimes’ against you to those that have crossed your values. There will always be degrees of people and behaviours. I find getting the toughest out of the way first worked for me. I say this because when you start at the root and work your way up you will also notice how the things that happened because of source hurts have affected and infected other areas of your life and these too can be healed. A bit like a domino.
This can be hard. For so long I have stuffed down feelings of anger and resentment for the people who have stolen something very precious from me. However, in the mire are so many gifts. Anger and resentment do not disappear overnight because they have a way of leaking out and presenting themselves in other parts of your life and in your body. What are the feelings that rise up when you think of others?
How to let go is the question? There are many ways to do this. Mine is to journal, to then write each of them letters which get burned with rosemary. Typically I will do this on a full moon.
You might write in your journal and then set an intention to let go. You may see cords coming from your body to theirs and cut them. What is important is that you find your way.
There is a saying that revenge is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die, well that’s what not forgiving does. It invades your system like a worm, a parasite that slowly embeds itself in your colon and sucks the nourishment from you soul.
To live a juicy, decluttered and nourished life we must let go. If only it were as easy as drinking softened linseeds eh?
How will you embrace letting go this full moon?
As I say my greatest ally is my journal and my writing. When you are ready to explore your soul and what might be slowing your personal growth, please contact me.
This journaling exercise will allow you to explore your hidden desires. It’s all about unboxing the many parts of you that stop you from doing what you really desire. There will be dreams that you have that you are shutting yourself off because of your monkey chatter. It is related to fear, but what is fear?
Fear is what you want it to be. It can support your smallness, or it can support your greatness it is your choice.
In this exercise I want you to explore what is in the box and what are the many parts of you that are stopping what is in the box coming out. Find a quiet time, open your journal, take a few deep breaths, connect to your muse and write.
What I want is to write. There are books that are welling up inside of me. I want them to come to life. To feel that childlike excitement when you know that you are going to do your most favourite thing.
When I think of Puppy With No Name, I fall even more deeply in love with Angel who inspired this story. When Marley And Her Moo came to me, I danced with her, she just saw it as another opportunity to cover me in licks. Ferdy’s story has yet to come; I am sure it will. My love for them cascades. They inspire me, my children of the furry kind.
These stories are in a box which says you can do this when… When you’ve done the other things, the business things and the things of life.
My monkey brain gets in the way. She sits on my box of desires and strikes up a conversation with another part. They discuss me and decide what I should be doing, and it’s not what is inside my box. My luscious box of doggie stories.
How I hate that word should. Why do these parts think that they know better than me? Don’t they know I hate to be told? Just like I hate rude, small minded people and bullies. But tough, they are parts of the Universe, just like I am. Except I feel different, a child of the Cosmos, bubbling full of cosmic words. Words which are inside that box.
The parts pop in often to remind me that I cannot lock myself away and write these books which are clawing at my brain. The stories are there, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling. But my confidence is elsewhere. It’s silly, I can write, it’s just that I write non-fiction. That’s my self-limiting me putting the cosmic me into the box for my safety. The box is getting fuller, and the weight on top is becoming a burden.
For crying out loud what is wrong with me? It’s ok I know what’s wrong, I’m listening to you, and you are telling me what I should do. It sounded like a good idea, and it did make business sense when you said it to me. My business part, my procrastination part, my part of fear.
I should be marketing, selling and finding customers and I should be writing blogs and books to build my brand. Isn’t that what I tell you? Why do I have to do things that impact my bottom line? Ok, I know why I have an MBA don’t you know? The Cosmic child asks does that matter and why do I have to do these things? She challenges me. What if I shoved the parts holding down the lid on my box off? What if the desires in the box change my life?
There are too many parts talking. Perhaps they can be put in the squabble box and sort themselves out without me, that would work wouldn’t it, tell them to shut the f*** up.
I’m being torn into pieces, shredded and scattered to the four corners. Not that there are any corners in my world. More like a series of cosmic roundabouts all leading back to where I am hiding. Inside the box, wondering if it’s safe to come out?
Jacqui Malpass 2017
After you have written, go and do something else. When you come back, allow yourself to be immersed in the story of the parts of you. Now ask, what if you could immerse yourself in your desires? What has to happen to allow you to embrace what it is you really want?
In the analysis of your story is your truth. What you choose to do next could change your life.
The journey to self love is a way to celebrate all of you. Using the power of the pen to delve deeply into the inner you, you can unlock your heart and set yourself free.
This year you will find me making many references to the heart, sometimes as a physical organ and how to have a healthy heart through nutrition and sometimes to our energetic heart centre through nourishing her. I feel drawn to creating a healthy heart connection. Or a healthier connection. To finally break the bonds that tie it to the past.
I felt that last year I was working around the throat and sacral area. My blood tests showed that I had an overactive thyroid. Which I solved with nutrition. It was also the energy centre that I struggled with most. The throat wasn’t the only centre that gained my attention; the sacral also poked its nose in and asked to be heard. As the year drew to a close, I felt a stirring to express myself creatively again and to reawaken my relationship with myself and start to think about intimate relationships.
I’ve talked about how I feel about the world of spiritual development and belief systems around the many concepts and methodologies that abound. Each to their own and my way is to use these ideas as guidance systems, not as the whole truth. The truth is what I receive when I tap into my divine inner wisdom. The truth is how I make conscious decisions about how I use what I discover. I hope that you will too.
I am drawn to work with my heart centre, as well as continuing this discovery into my creativity. It feels not necessarily neglected, but that it needs more attention. It also feels like this is a heart year. In numerology 2017 is the beginning of a nine-year cycle. It’s time to plant seeds for growth. In nature, seeds are planted all year. Each seed has unique requirements, and the gardener will attend to its needs as required and with love. You are your seed and your gardener, and it’s up to you to create the best environment for you to flourish.
It also feels like a year where more heart needs to come into our lives – business, projects, communities, writing, art, nutrition, travel, relationships, in fact, all areas. What could happen if we brought heart to what we do instead of mind? Many of you probably already do.I do, however, I am expressing my desire to deepen that connection and to explore my heart from many different angles.
Did you start the year with intentions? I didn’t set any in stone or write any out, more that I felt a connection to work with my heart and put it into what I do. What I did instead is to choose words to kick-start the year, they are writing, expansion and transformation. When I asked my heart for some words, I was given love, peace and harmony. Initially, I dismissed theses words until I was asked by Allison Marlowe to check again). I have six words for how I intend to use for my year. These words could change, or they may be the whole theme. The only way I will know is to ask my heart.
Writing – I have three key projects this year, one is my heart project, which is Puppy with no name, a soul project which is Tapping into your divine inner wisdom and a core project which is turning your personal story into a book. All three projects are connected and have strategies behind them.
Expansion – this carries forward the writing. The writing will bring expansion to me, and I ask my clients to look for expansion in their work. It’s about taking a seed of an idea and expanding it so that it becomes something you feel is your passion, purpose, why and what.
Transformation – this is what happens when you work from your heart, on your heart project
Love – is connected to the heart and is Universal. We are love, there is only love, we are united by love. Love helps us to grow and supports the world to grow.
Peace – is my inner peace. Start with me and extend this to all. When a bully or aggressor comes to invade, treat them with love and remain out of the drama and stay with peace. Bring peace to your body so that in the calm you can hear your heart talking to you.
Harmony – everything has a place and balance. Good and not so good, shadows and light, day and night, acid and alkaline. Every day seek to maintain harmony.
Through my writing and actions, being authentic, genuine, real and continuing to be kind, showing compassion, learning more about forgiveness and creating a deeper connection to my spirituality, my healthy heart connection will grow.
How do you think you give and receive love? It’s not such an easy question to answer. When you look at the word love is seems so small, just four letters, yet it has such an impact on the world.
Last year I wrote this article chakra wounds, in this instance the throat chakra. My heart has been hurt, as I am sure some of you reading this will acknowledge as a truth for you. However, my focus is not on healing those wounds; they are gone, done, over. My focus is on how to stay in the energy of my heart so that I can grow from here. It’s where I feel my spirit resides and she wants to come out to play and to explore. This needs to be in a natural connected with nature balanced way.
You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart. George Michael
If a fire rages and goes out of control, untold damage will be done. In conjunction with calming the mind, it is important to balance the spirit. When you discover what keeps your fire burning, you can then focus on how you can maintain the conditions for keeping it alight. We need the energy of the flame to keep us connected to our soul and to ourselves as a divine being. Love is that energy. Often the energy of the heart becomes cluttered, and we lose sight of how to love us because of the way that we talk to ourselves. In truly being able to love us, we can then find partners, form relationships and create environments, which match that energy. How wonderful to be able to express love for others and this world from a beautiful place – our hearts.
Does creating a healthy heart connection resonate with you? If it does set your intentions and find time to open the channels for communication.
I’ll leave you with this heart meditation.